I am the oldest of 4 and as such considered the role model to my siblings and my every move scrutinized. I grew up in a loving yet strict, Catholic faith based home. My dad was the breadwinner and mom a homemaker. When I turned 15 years old my father was very clear on his dating ground rules “you do not date out of your race or religion”. And, reiterated that if I would ever come out pregnant, my next step would be out the door.
With dating came the pressure of intercourse and at times would get dumped because I didn’t give in. My best friends and I would often wonder what sex was all about and imagined what our first encounter would be like. We would even joke around saying that we wanted our favorite hair metal band member to be our first – we were definitely curious. I was not popular in school although I did have a lot of “haters & bullies” since elementary school. Harley-Davidson’s fascinate me even at a young age. Bikers were always around my school and of course attracted my attention – I wanted to be the cool girl with the biker boyfriend.
When I was 16 years old I met Tony. He was several years older, out of school and working – although he never told me what he did for a living. He owned a car and a Harley which mesmerized me from the get go. He was always respectful and never tried to kiss me, much less go to the next level. We would go out to eat, movies, riding or driving around town – we were always together. He was the sweetest guy and what was best is that he never expected anything in return. He wasn’t even a drinker or a smoker – at least that’s what I thought.
One day in February 1986, he called and said we were going out with a couple that evening. We picked up his friends and headed to our destination. We were talking and joking around. Once we got there, he parked. He popped open the trunk and came back in the car with beer. Although it surprised me, I didn’t think too much about it. He handed some beers to the couple and handed me one as well. I nodded my head that I didn’t want it. It was evident that he was bothered by my rejection. He popped open the beer can and we continued talking. A short time later, he took out a piece of foil paper shaped into a little ball from the glove compartment. He opened the foil and I saw a white powder, he then grabbed a white straw and snorted the powder. Right about then is when I started panicking – I had never tried cocaine. He handed the foil and straw over to the couple and after they both took a snort they handed it over to me. Again, I nodded my head and pointed to give it to Tony. He took it but by this time it was very clear he was upset. He shoved it towards me and told me to take it. I nodded my head and said ‘NO’. He started muttering words and rolling his eyes. He took another snort and right about then he transformed to a person I no longer knew and feared. He went from a gentle, sweet guy to a monster.
After they had enough, we headed home. I was relieved it was finally over. We dropped off the couple and headed to my house. We did not speak a single word. Where my parent’s house was is a canal ditch, without saying a word, he parked, turned up the music and started kissing and hugging me. I pushed him away and told him I needed to get home. He said that he would take me later but for now he wanted to be with me. He started kissing and touching me aggressively. I told him to slow down and that I wanted to talk about what had occurred earlier. He told me to shut up and before I knew it, he was on top of me. He was not a small guy and took me by surprised how quickly he was able to get on top of me in the front seat of his car. I told him to get off and that I wanted to go home but he didn’t listen. His aggressiveness was getting rougher. He started pulling on my pants and blouse – I still remember exactly what I was wearing. I told him I was scared, I didn’t want to do this and wanted to go home. He said he would take me home when he was ready but now it was time to pay up for all the rides, movies, eating out, etc. – basically for everything he had paid. Again, I kept saying ‘NO’ and that I was afraid and this is not how I wanted to lose my virginity. Before I knew it, it was all over. He got off, looked at me, smirked and took me home.
After that night, I didn’t see nor talked to him again. Several weeks later, I missed my period and started feeling nauseated and extremely tired. My clothes was fitting tighter each day. I went for a pregnancy test which resulted positive. The nurse gave me my options, (1) keep the baby, (2) adoption, or (3) abortion. She must have seen my expression when she said abortion because she assured me it would all be okay – it was just a piece of tissue, not a big deal. I was distraught, confused and afraid – how can I be pregnant with just one time. My best friends were with me but I hadn’t shared ALL the details or how it had occurred. Since we had talked about it (sex) and obviously we were curious, I was afraid they wouldn’t believe me or if in fact I had “asked for this”. I don’t recall if I told Tony that same day, the next day or much later, however, when I relayed the news he said he would take care of it. Shortly thereafter, he said it was all set. I asked him what that meant and he said “you are getting an abortion.” I told him I didn’t want to do this and that I was going to tell my parents what happened. He threatened me that if I would say something and would land in jail that my family would ultimately pay the price. You see, it’s when I found out he was a drug dealer. He completely brain washed me and threatened me and whether or not all he said was true I believe it. It was apparent that I didn’t know him at all and didn’t know if he would follow through with his threats. My immaturity, lack of experience, ignorance and fear allowed him to manipulate me.
In April 1986, he took me and one of my friends to the clinic, ironically the abortionist is a practicing OB/GYN. Although I knew what an abortion was I was ignorant on the procedure or really didn’t understand the severity. I really believed the nurse at the hospital that it was just a piece of tissue not yet a baby. Since my mom was involved at church I had overheard a few ladies invite her to participate in the protests they were conducting outside the abortion clinic. I was mortified that they would be outside the building and someone would recognize me. At the doctor’s office, I kept being assured that it was not a big deal and that it was just a piece of tissue, not yet a baby. I can’t recall what I was wearing, or if I signed in. I didn’t speak although he on the other hand was talking away and laughing with my friend. I don’t even remember if he or I gave them my real name or not. I remember walking in to the cold procedure room, laying on the bed looking at a picture of a beach on the ceiling and the nurse holding and caressing my hand assuring me that it would all be over soon. Doctor walked in, took a look and next thing I heard was the sound of the sucking machine similar to a vacuum cleaner. When it was over, I was escorted by the nurse to the recovery room. Don’t know how long I was there. When I came out Tony said “Ok, let’s go – who’s hungry”. I told him I wasn’t hungry and wanted to go rest. He didn’t listen and we ended up at a Long John Silvers. He and my friend ate and talked as I sat there. Thereafter I didn’t see him again. I did bump into him on a couple of occasions but I would avoid him and leave. I had even heard he wanted to date a couple of my best friends. In fact one of those “so called” best friends called me a “murderer”. The same friend a year earlier we were talking about our first sexual encounter.
The last time I saw him was sometime in 1987 at a local nightclub. He said he wanted to talk. I assumed he was going to apologize or talk about our baby. I was very wrong. All he wanted was to have intercourse. I started crying and lashing at him which he replied with a huge grin as he was rolling his eyes and patting me on my thigh, “Oh, you are still crying over that…don’t worry I can make you another baby right now.” I was livid, I got out of the car and walked away. To date, I never saw or heard from him again. I don’t even know how much money he paid for the procedure, however, I am now convinced that my baby (Michael) and I were not his first victims.
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